1/30/15

Baby Bound:: Am I a Mother?


"the way a mother’s heart works is like having individual hearts for each child, and when one is broken, it cannot be made whole by another. It must heal on its own"

I read this post last Friday as I was doing my news rounds on Yahoo and it resonated with me. No matter when I actually get pregnant I will NEVER FORGET the two babies that went to live with God. When you find out that there is or was life within you, your world changes. Your view of the world changes. Your capacity to love changes. Instantaneously your heart grows a place for the love of that life to live. No matter if that life is short or long that love place will always be there.

When I think today about the love space that I have for my two angel babies I wonder sometimes, Am I a Mother? Does "Mother" mean you physically have mothered a child? I've done that. I have plenty of children that I've nurtured in my life as if I was a mother. Does "Mother" mean you have carried a life within you? I've done that. Twice. Does "Mother" mean you've given birth to a miniature version of yourself? I have NOT done that. Does this exclude me from that group that I so desperately want to be a part of? Is that weird? I always feel a bit weird about this question.


After the first miscarriage I made a art canvas to commemorate my first pregnancy. When I had the second miscarriage the "mother" question started to persistently bother me. I happened to see this ring in a James Avery catalog and I instantly loved it. I wanted it but I didn't know if it would be appropriate. Would people understand why I was wearing it? Would I be constantly asked why I was wearing this ring since I didn't have a baby? I also thought about a Pandora charm for my charm bracelet. That would be more discrete and offer a bit more privacy but this was a backup plan. And it wasn't my first choice. 



Has anyone else had this question after a miscarriage and before they had another baby? What do you think?

Comments



Katy, thank you so much for your compassion. It's fantastic that you guys can get pregnany easily. I would certainly worry about unexpected blessings in that case. Lol. Also thank you for reading.

1/23/15

Baby Bound: January 2015 Update

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. From early on I had the greatest examples in my grandmother Georgia, and my wonderful mom. I was almost 10 years old when my youngest brother came along and after some serious convincing he became like my own child. 

Now that I'm at the point in my life when I (think) am ready to become a mom, I never thought I'd run into challenges. Miscarriage was not something that ever crossed my mind and I wasn't prepared for it when it happened to me. You can read all about it in my surgery series of posts.


Since that ordeal, my perspective on motherhood has changed. I now don't take for granted the ability to have children and the difficulties that women face when that task does not come easily. I know the feeling of hearing of yet another pregnancy announcement and wanting to scream then feeling the shame that comes from not being able to overcome the feelings of inadequacy and to feel happiness in someone else's time of joy. I know the feeling of thinking for your entire lifetime that your body was normal and that it could do all the things you know a woman's body can do only to find out that yours is different and you will need some intervention to do what comes so easily to others. 

I also know the hope that comes from holding on to the dream of motherhood. 

This series will chronicle our journey from miscarriage to baby. 

Thanks for stopping by. 

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XO
Angela

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